The Lord, so gracious and beautiful, has allowed me to see for myself where I am in my prayer life. What I mean by this is that many times we pray and pray, but never really step back and realize who we are and where we are in our prayer life. Just yesterday night, I had this unusual moment where I became very aware of myself. It's like I was given an awareness of my being outside of myself, like I was outside acknowledging another person's life and person-hood. Anyway, I think this is kind of the same way the Lord brought me to see myself in my prayer life.
This morning after Mass, I was trying to gather my thoughts and desires in my prayer life. Where am I going? Where do I want to be?I just had to ask myself, "Where am I in my prayer life?" The Lord spoke to my heart very clearly after a moment of silence. You see, the themes of my personal prayer these past few weeks have followed certain meditations on being a rose at our Lady's feet and being at the manger, beholding the Holy Family. I've prayed for the courage to be a 'Rose' for this world, if not for the convent. May your work coming from my heart, be an answered prayer, just like a rose from Saint Therese. When I shared this with Fr Dave, he told me that Saint Therese would teach the novices to take roses, pull off their beautiful petals and scatter them all over. Talk about spiritual direction!
Today I realized that everyday the Lord draws me ever deeper into His heart and that through this, my heart enters deeper into His. The only thing I seek is to belong completely to the Him. I have found that there is truly a sweet and holy guard over my heart. What does it mean have a guard over your heart? Well, when there is a source of protection over something, it means that the thing it is protecting is quite valuable. It means it is something to be protected. When I say protected, I mean resting in a place where it is safe. Our hearts are so precious. Why be so quick to give them away at first sign of romantic opportunity? Our hearts were made for Him alone! He is the great keeper of our hearts. I know Jesus Himself, our Lady and Saint Joseph guard my heart. I've entrusted myself to Jesus through their hands. Why not ask for the intercession of the two most pure human beings that have ever lived after Jesus?
I've realized that there is this supernatural freedom that comes with a heart so protected by Christ's love and truth. The result of this is a heart so attached to Christ's and not to human romantic chances. A heart that lives within the heart of God cannot just be wooed by a handsome face. It is a heart that runs freely and loves extravagantly! This morning as I was running, I realized that my heart lies so deep within the heart of God and in the heart of His Church. If a man were to pursue my heart, he'd have to seek me through the heart of God and the heart of the Catholic Church, if not reside there already. No matter what the case, my heart sighs for the Lord. Strong is His love for us. He is faithful forever.
